Empty Nest Syndrome

I’ve probably cried more in the last two weeks than I did in the whole of 2021. Perimenopausal? Most definitely, but I am also preparing to see my eldest daughter off to university. This incredible young woman who has brought so much joy, pride and happiness to our family home is leaving. Yes, I know she’ll only be a couple of hours away, and yes she’ll be back for the holidays…but it will never be the same again. She’ll never be the same again. And while we are very fortunate to see her take these next steps it doesn’t make the grief any less intense knowing it’s all ‘part of the plan’.

As young people across the country prepare to leave home for university, college, or to begin their careers, lots of parents will feel intense sadness and emotional despair. This, as Clinical Psychologist Dr Laura Williams explains, is known as Empty Nest Syndrome. Here, she lifts the lid on the often unexpected realities of the postparental period. 

As the parent of three young children and step-parent to two more, the concept of an empty nest seems a somewhat distant prospect for me. That said, as a clinical psychologist and someone widowed young, I do know a bit about grief and loss. Empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief and loss and gives a visual representation of sadness that parents experience when their children leave the family home. It has also been termed elsewhere as the postparental period (Borland, 1982). It is not a clinical disorder or diagnosis, but it is well known that the effects can be psychologically challenging. 

Reflecting on this issue, it struck me that children leaving to foster a new life would suggest that we have been fortunate to raise healthy, independent young adults. Our children have learned and grown and have the confidence to ‘go it alone'—and this is a resounding triumph and massive stroke of luck. From an attachment perspective, they are leaving their secure base for good, perhaps. All the possibilities of their lives lie ahead of them. But what of the parents left behind?

As with most things in life, there are two opposing sides to children leaving home and a delicate balance to be struck. In one way, it frees up time and energy for other things—perhaps meeting your own needs (remember those?) can now retake priority. But inevitably, as your role shifts and changes, parents can and, very often, do feel displaced. The research would also suggest that the feelings of loss that accompany an empty nest and the negated need for the hands-on parental role can predispose individuals to depression, overuse of alcohol, identity issues, and other psychological well-being difficulties. Interestingly, the psychological research confirms that women who have been highly involved in their mothering role, to the detriment of their own needs, are more susceptible in the postparental period (Borland, 1982). 

I asked parents following me on my social media channels about their experiences of children leaving home, and several themes emerged from a small sample of respondents. They reported enjoying seeing their children’s excitement at leaving home. They believed this transition was evidence of how grown up and developed their children had become and meant they were ready for the next stage. A few remarked jokingly on the savings made on utility bills and the joy of always having food in the fridge again. However, the challenges they noted were not seeing their children every day and worries about them coping independently with all that they would now need to do. One described the feeling as a ‘sense of loss, mixed with pride and sadness’. 

Interestingly, when I asked who they could potentially speak with about their concerns and feelings, some of these parents said they discussed it with their spouse or friends, while others suggested they felt they had no one to confide in about their fears and worries.

Finally, I asked these parents if they had any advice they would have given themselves looking back on that stage in their life. Common responses were they would tell themselves not to worry so much and remember that their children did and, in fact, still need them. In addition, these parents spoke of allowing their children to go when they felt ready, as opposed to when, as a parent, they believed their child was equipped. 

The key here for me, though, is that this is often not a choice that parents make. As we know, children gradually begin to make their own decisions, and leaving home is such a fundamental and seemingly final one. It represents some of the last vestiges of our influence as their parents when they decide to make that leap. And where we lack influence and the ability to make a choice, we can run into some trouble.

The last point stood out to me. It referenced kindness, letting their now-adult child make their own choices, and holding back from telling them how hard it would all be. Now imagine, just for a moment, that parent being able to take their own advice. To have kindness and compassion for their situation of losing a significant role in life. To shift the focus away from how hard it all is and consider what they have gained. 

So, if you or someone you love is struggling during this transition, what can be done? The first step is, as ever, to talk it over with someone, be they a spouse, partner, friend, or health professional. Transitions like this are a normal part of life, and speaking about it openly may help you gain perspective and perhaps feel less alone. As parents make this transition, it is also essential to find other areas in your life to exert your influence and personal autonomy and fill any void you may feel. Are there other interests you can focus on now you have some time going spare? Can you build a deeper connection with other family members or friends? 

Lastly, if you aren’t quite at the stage of actually having an empty nest, it may be time to start preparing. Subjugating your own needs across your parenting years is often unhelpful. If you can prioritise your own needs and parent simultaneously, this is likely to make the shift easier to adjust to. This is a lesson I need to tell myself often. So, off I go now to engage in some prioritisation of my needs first. 

Dr Laura Williams is a clinical psychologist, private therapist, writer, and speaker who specialises in trauma, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, and obsessional problems, including obsessive-compulsive disorder. Dr Williams has recently acted as a contributor to TV documentaries on the topic of morbid obesity. You can find her on Facebook and Instagram or at her website, Drlaurawilliams.com.